Future Girl

Since this is a screenplay, right up my alley, I did what any professional Reader for a Studio would, by giving you the "First 10 Test."

 

Your opening pages are very over-written.  Not to worry, every writer who goes from fiction to screenplays always overwrites their action lines at first. 

Learn to slash them to the bone.

 

"Alpha Vista's remarkable inhabitants are typically bright and creative, but they have become emotionally preoccupied..."

This is something that Readers call "un-filmable" information.  In other words, as your movie opens, what images is the audience seeing that will deliver this information to them?

As it stands now, they'd have to read your script to know the citizens have become emotionally preocuppied, etc.

 

The conversation between Odyssey and Einstein is basically one long information dump given as exposition.  There are interesting ways to get around exposition, but just having one character ask for a download of info now that he's "back home" from a place we never saw him journey to, is begging for trouble.

Pro Readers have to read dozens of scripts per week.  When they see that exposition dump going on, they'll really pound you for it.  Then they'll move on to the next script.  (Readers are a cruel lot.)  :)

 

Here's an example of what I mean:

Odyssey, "It's hard to imagine, but when I was just twelve years old the Golden Solar Society invited young scientists from all over the planet to live and study on the Oracle Space Station."

Now this is something that Einstein, being a computer program that has all the information on this planet, will already know.  So by having Odyssey tell him this, it's a clear signal that the writer wants to quickly dump Odyssey's background on us.

You'd be better served by *showing* us this, instead of *telling* us this.  Show, Don't Tell.  That's the screenwriter's mantra.

You could open with a scene of Odyssey returning from this amazing orbital school to find his planet changed.  If Einstein welcomes Odyssey home from school, you don't have to worry about just having a long conversation where all of this info is given.

 

I'll give you an example below of something I struggled with, when I first transitioned from writing only "long form" fiction, to writing screenplays.

 

Fiction Writer writes:

"An elderly woman is stirring a fresh cup of black coffee, counterclockwise.  Her wrinkled, well manicured fingers comb through her golden hair, as she skims over a familiar menu at a back corner table."

 

Screenwriter writes:

An elderly woman with golden hair stirs black coffee while she reads a menu at a back table.

 

Unless the counterclockwise thing winds up being part of the story later, little details like that will be taken care of by the Actor and Director on set.  Don't get too bogged down in detail in a script.

 

From the opening scene, to this scene, to the scene in America's bedroom, we meet a variety of characters that might be our lead character.  By introducing many people in the first few pages without really sticking with them, it can get confusing quickly.

 

Is America just writing the story of Odyssey, the character we met earlier?  If she is, it might be better to cut to her after Odyssey's scenes to that we're clear she's writing that story.

 

Remember, a pro Reader will not let you say, "But the story really starts to unfold on page 40.  If you had only kept reading..."

 

Unfortunately, movie people have short attention spans.  :)

 

You'd better lay out your concept, or at least your main character, very clearly in those first 10 pages.  It sucks, I know.  But that's the industry we're trying to work in.

 

Page 9:  America's breathing has become shallow.  Her face a bit confused.  She's recalling something eerily familiar...

Remember, the audience in the theater will only see a young girl with a confused look on her face.  They don't have the information that she's recalling something familiar.  You need to find an image to express that to someone who is not reading your script.

 

There's another long piece with Grandpa telling America some back story here.  It's okay to have him tell, but you should have imagery over this, otherwise it's just another scene of someone talking.

You could easily do a voice over here and *show* us what happened to America's great grandmother as Granpa narrates.

 

These are all easy fixes that will come in time.  Before you know it, you'll be cranking out 2 line action paragraphs and this baby will become lean, lean, lean. 

I bet you can easily cut 7 pages off this 125 page count just by trimming all action paragraphs like that.

Believe me, when a Reader comes to the middle of their stack, and they see your well-written, lean, mean, fighting machine of a script that says "110" on the last page, they'll love you!