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Bradford Pear

by adam.chandler

Logline

Recently Edited the First Few Paragraphs due to some good suggestions from readers. A short story about tragedy, suburbia, love and youth.

Type: short story

Genre: Drama,Tragedy

Synopsis

        A teenage tryst turns into tradgedy on a icy morning.

       Can love survive the hostile environment of the American suburbs or is it a tree designed for a different time and place?

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    • sid.rothchild

    • 2012-08-22 13:39:58
    • The reformatting makes it much more clear that the first 2 paragraphs are more of an intro. It also makes it clear that there is some important information that will apply to the rest of the story. I'm not sure if you're trying to give facts or imitate an encyclopedia entry. If it is supposed to be an encyclopedia entry then you should probably make it a bit more precise. Check out a dictionary or wikipedia to see what I mean. A dictionary entry would probably not use the words "pretty" or "quickly", it would give exacts, such as "five petaled flower" and "3-5 inches yearly". Hope that helps, it's all just opinion, so take it as such. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bradford_pear
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    • adam.chandler

    • 2012-08-21 05:28:17
    • Thank you Sid. I agree about the first couple of paragraphs but I think this might be more of a problem of how I formatted the page. Those first two paragraphs were meant to be more like a prologue or something rather than part of the story. I will reformat it sometime soon and let me know how it looks.
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    • sid.rothchild

    • 2012-08-21 03:53:35
    • I really enjoy this story, probably more than almost anything I've read on this site. The first few paragraphs didn't grab my attention though, and I almost quit reading. Once I got through those I couldn't stop reading, very good stuff. Maybe you could cut back to some of the informative stuff after you hook the reader. Also, the tone of the first couple of paragraphs seems different than the rest. Again, this could be easily corrected by adding something like "My dad had told me that the Bradford Pear...." Just my thoughts, but there's something haunting about the story that I really enjoyed, so keep it up.

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