Hey, have had another read over it, certainly improving and def think some of the additions have added to the humour side of things so thats all good. Couple of observations which possibly border on format but I think they do impact on how it reads so feel worth a mention.
a) You only mentioned Mandy’s ’black leggings’ in second scene. Would we not see this in the first scene? I think slightly more description of the character’s appearances in general could add to the humour.
b)When you say ’they pretend to stay and help’ wash up. I know what you mean but I think it could be slightly expanded on as it could be funny.
c)When she opens the door- small point but you can’t see ’chill of night air’ and def not on stage.
d)Barry shuffles in slippers his old mum bought him- how do we know she bought them? I know what you mean but it needs to be tweaked if you act want it to be picked up on when performed.
e)Mandy kicks the pouf- this is amusing if she did it to wake Barry but the next thing she says is (sympathetically), should it not be sarcastically?
Not sure if these are the kinds of points you are looking for at this stage. Certainly it has moved in the right direction since my first read. Feel free to delete any of my comments as and when they lose relevance.
Hi, a few extra observations and thoughts on your updated script:
It reads a lot better now and the dialogue feels more realistic. Particularly in the first scene, in the kitchen. I like the bit about David Cameron and his armour plated car. Although, apparently the reality is that he would cycle to work for the cameras and have his briefcase in a jag cruising along a few feet behind him. Don’t know if that’s true though. Certainly funny if it is…
The attitudes of the two women seemed a bit of a muddle though. At first it’s Annie insisting that Mandy doesn’t use the washing machine and Mandy pooh-poohing her and then it’s Mandy telling Annie not to switch on the outside light and Annie dismissing this. This behaviour just didn’t seem rational to me - their attitudes seemed to reverse.
I think you could get some real conflict - and therefore comedy - in the first scene by having the two woman trying to out-do one another in the green-stakes. For instance, Mandy could go to switch on the dishwasher and Annie say (in a passive-aggressive tone) ‘oh, you’re not using the dishwasher are you. Not very green is it?’ and then Mandy saying ‘oh, no of course not.’ then the same sort of thing could happen with the light. There doesn’t have to be any animosity between the characters, just that little bit of gentle rivalry and competitiveness that all friends have - in this case when it comes to being ‘environmentally friendly‘. They could still express their frustrations with ‘The Man‘.
I wonder if the second scene (Around the TV) just repeats the themes of the first scene, and furthermore that the male characters don’t really differ much from the female characters and offer a lot. What if one, or both, of the men were just completely dismissive of the whole Climate change thing, but be totally ignorant of the facts, saying something like, “Has the world ever run out of electricity before? No it hasn‘t!” A different attitude than the women might help them to stand out more.
I think this is an improvement.
The Sitcom Mission are looking for 15 minute scripts. I thought this would fit the criteria well: http://www.comedy.co.uk/sitcom_mission/
I do like the concept, I like and understand the Royal Family sit-com. I've actually worked on a American/English sitcom. There are still a lot of formatting issues, What I'm wondering is what 20 min comp are you wanting to put this in. If it is the one on here, then that is a stage play, which is totally different to a screen play. So wondering? Anyway, here if you want some extra help. Just shout. And I for one don't mind you both having a join account. After all you aren't hiding it, and you're not rating/commenting on other scripts, which is what others were doing. :)