An Orgy May Ensue

I feel that your main issue here is mixed genres. I think it's in between a comedy and a 'heartwarming' story, and therefore doesn't work for me. And if I'm brutally honest, it wasn't very funny. It's a breezy read, fairly efficient, although there are quite a few superfluous words - surely 'sealed condom wrappers' are just condoms?! - and widows. But I can't help thinking 23 pages is rather long for a 'short'. I reckon you can cut a lot of it out, and make a leaner, funnier read. A few things: Introduce the girls and Pat better. I thought he was a girl! The piece seems to be set in the UK, yet the police speak much more like American ones. Toma could react more to the potential orgy - 'They didn't have that in my day' sort of thing. He was born in the 50s after all.