SHARE MY HEART- first four chapters

Very first draft?

by hilaryhw

Character

Dialogue

Concept

Writing Style

Dear Benevie, 

The news is not good, I'm afraid. I'm going to have to take your word for it that you "tell great stories", because I couldn't get past page 7. By page 7 the only things that have actually happened in your story are that Sena has visited the Dean and seen some guys playing basketball. ALL the rest is happening in her head, or inside someone else's head--in other words, exposition. Nothing's happening.

I suggest you go back to basics. Learn to distinguish between action and backstory and make sure your story contains enough of the former at the start to hook the reader.

 

At the same time, learn how to create compelling characters. 

There are lots of formal issues, too. For example, pick a tense and stick to it. You constantly move between past and present, sometimes changing tense several times in a single sentence.

Learn what 'overwriting' is, notice when you're doing it, and discover how to avoid it.

And while you're doing this, take the time to develop your vocabulary and learn exactly what words mean. Words like 'bereft' and 'surmise', to take just two examples, need to be used correctly. Use your dictionary whenever you're in doubt. 

I have no doubt that one day you will tell much better stories than this. You'll get there a lot faster with lots of study and practice. I wish you the very best of luck.

Conversations

• 

  • hilaryhw

  • 2012-08-07 13:57:45
  • 'I must be cruel only to be kind...' Treasure your critical reviews. They can hurt, I know, but they are worth far more than the 'yeah, it was great' kind, because they can help you improve. You're doing exactly the right thing by asking questions and seeking to learn more. Good for you! 'Everything happening in the head': OK. Re-read your opening section. How much of what you write about is happening right now, in the novel's present? And how much is happening in the past? In the present, your protagonist goes to see the Dean and watches a basketball game. That's all. Everything else is in the past as the protagonist remembers and reminisces, telling us what we need to know in order for the story to go forward. This is known as backstory or exposition, and too much of it too soon kills a story stone dead. Take a look at the opening chapters of novels you really like. Notice how much action there is. That's what you want to emulate. Good luck!
• 

  • benevie21

  • 2012-08-07 11:31:00
  • My very first reviewer and critic. You weren't kind though but, you gave me just what i need to know. Thanks. The thing is, this is a novel and yes- it's the first draft. How do u mean by everything is happening in the head? Help me out a bit will u? thanks.