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Reviews written by crlncxn

  • The second word gave me pause for thought! Unidentifiable? Did you mean unidentified? Surely, anybody could be identified using DNA even if they were unrecognisable?

    Careful with change ... Read More

  • It's customary in screenplays to capitalise characters when they first appear (even if they don't have speaking parts - they still have to be cast by a producer)

    I felt the initi... Read More

  • You write very well and I found this amusing.

    Your formatting is good and there were no mistakes that took me out of the story.

    I think, for me it would have been WONDERFUL, if ... Read More

  • Your opening paragraph, unlike the opening of Dead Lock, really needs sharpening up! (Even the opening sentence...) It doesn't compel me to want to read on, with its length, huge block of tex... Read More

  • I thoroughly enjoyed your story right up to the end. I thought the phone call weakened the whole thing. It was expositionary so didn't come across as organic. Could you reveal in some other w... Read More

  • I enjoyed the ebb and flow of this conversation and the shifts in mood of the two women. It was subtle but convincing. You engendered suspense well - I was interested to know their back stories a... Read More

  • I simply love the weird opening to this which has me hooked straight away. I love your economical style. I love too the very visual way you write with frequent use of colour - murky yellow, icy p... Read More

  • A long short story! I'm not sure what the page limits are, to be honest, but this is long...(I know it's a matter of dispute)

    While I thought the storyline was good, inventive, i... Read More

  • Hi Tara,

     

    Oooh dear, don't know how much help I can be because I only know about screenplays for film, not the conventions and formatting for TV, which this is evident... Read More

  • Hiya Nathan,

     

    I've already said I liked the story and I know you've reviewed the punctuation and I promised to look at it again. (Yesterday I was swamped with work... Read More

  • Hello there.

    I see you're a Raymond Chandler fan! This is where I had a slight problem because although a lot of the phrases and terms were pure Chandler ('broad' 'liquor... Read More

  • I think this has good potential. I was interested in the story and what might happen next. Be careful not to use too much exposition to give the backstory - dull, dull, dull - but fortunately not... Read More

  • Hi Rosie, Yes, I think you are very much a quirky, lateral thinker and I like it! It makes me smile - and I see the references to her past life, her paintings abandoned, her desire for a child or a ... Read More

  • Having read some of your reviews and also your bio I am almost reluctant to look at, let alone review, any of your work. However, I’m feeling foolhardy today…I’m sure I will live to regret it. ... Read More

  • That will teach me to read other reviews before reading the work itself! I was expecting not to enjoy this. I thought this was well-written, tender, and an interesting take on the seamy side of life.... Read More

  • Since I wrote a screenplay called Catch 23 in 2008, I thought I’d better read this one! My heart always sinks a little when I see a screenplay about screenplay writing – why? - because it could ... Read More

  • While the way this is written doesn’t do the story justice, there is a well-thought out concept and I like the way you’ve used VO over the action. That should be very effective. I’m not quite s... Read More

  • Hard to write reviews for someone you see has graduated in screenplay writing – but…I’ll just go for it. It's good to see a screenplay properly formatted! You have no idea how important tha... Read More

  • As I see you’re a script reader by profession, it’s going to make me hesitant to say anything – but I’ll go for it and you can shoot me down in flames! My script-reading eyes are so used to... Read More

  • Okay - the first ten pages. Very well done. I’m intrigued already. You have interesting characters, realistic dialogue, a good variety of well-drawn settings. Great scene of the water chucking to il... Read More

  • Chris, I ended up being interested in what might happen next but, in all honesty, there was much in your formatting and writing style that was a distraction and didn't allow the story to shine though.... Read More

  • This was great fun. Indeed. I thought it really got going once the interaction with the hippo (real or imagined) started. I felt that before that the writing was quite convoluted and sometimes clu... Read More

  • The set-up was good. I was wanting to know about McCann's job and I was interested in his relationship with Annabel - however, I thought it fizzled out and I didn't think the ending matched the promis... Read More

  • It was a sweet tale, with largely credible characters, but I did find it just a tad predictable. No, more than just a tad. The silly suit saved it somewhat from being totally cheesy! I felt that Ja... Read More

  • The way you use colour is great. I can see this would be visually full of impact. It would be worth editing this seriously – there’s a lot of ‘filler’ in it that doesn’t move the story fo... Read More

  • It's the sort of story that, I think, might have a limited appeal - young and male? - with all the talk of tits and shagging and footy, and the humour reliant upon dog excrement. If that's what a f... Read More

  • This isn’t a short story! It’s a book. A short story is usually a few pages, not 42 pages divided into chapters. Perhaps you could change the designation? Your synopsis is not a synopsis – it... Read More

  • Although I warmed to the characters, I felt this didn’t have much drama to it, was a bit pedestrian, humdrum. Some of the reactions (the chair kicking!) were OVER reactions, not set up. And why woul... Read More

  • Simon – you write rather as I do – lots of purple flowery passages. I like this (I’m always on the side of a screenplay being literary and an intelligent read in itself) but many others don’t.... Read More

  • (avoid spelling errors in your logline! It's 'inadvertently'...) I loved the idea behind this and it could be a wonderful little film if properly executed. Very imaginative. What let it down, as... Read More

  • Much better! I've added other points below, since you're keen to develop. The better your style is the more your story can shine. Capitalise characters when they first appear. Avoid using (beat)... Read More

  • So much more like a screenplay! - though see conversation about free software you could use. A few little things to add. When you cut off a sentence of dialogue, add -- at the end or it looks as... Read More

  • Your synopsis is almost longer than your screenplay! And, a word of advice – don’t describe your own screenplay as ‘an arousingly funny short’ in the logline. There is no place for that th... Read More

  • I think this could make a sweet animation with its gentle tone - amusing, appealing, (but not funny) in my opinion. I felt it was written in an over-detailed and lengthy style that made it a bit of... Read More

  • The best bit about this was the dialogue which was natural and well-written. The characters of Sophie and Darren were believable too. The story, I felt, ended rather lamely after a promising beginning... Read More

  • I like the fact that this wasn't mawkish, which it very well could have been. It was a good story, well-written. If there was a flaw it was this: You tell us things that we couldn’t possibly k... Read More

  • For a spec script you don’t need to number scenes. In fact, it’s distracting. You do very well with creating a scene in the past and a mood of waiting. I hope the exact dimensions of the box... Read More

  • I like the tone of this. It was well-paced and, thank goodness, DIFFERENT from the norm. I know it seems like a petty thing but little things make a difference and using Courier font is the indust... Read More

  • Having just reviewed another piece by the same author, many of the same points apply. I would add - check for spelling errors before submission - and lose the CONTINUEDS at the bottom of each page.... Read More

  • Yes, this was a tender tale. I warmed to the characters and to the gentle nature of it but I felt the writer needs to work on his writing skills by reading other screenplays. Although fashion changes,... Read More

  • Well - I know you're not British, Dave, and I can see you made an effort to write as a Brit would, or rather, write dialogue as a Brit would speak it. It came off quite well sometimes, but not always.... Read More