Knocking Doors

Hi, sorry it's taken a while but here it is. Ok, so first of all I liked the ubject matter, I think it could be a very interesting piece of work. It's slightly reminiscent of Boiler Room but that isn't apparent in the script, only the synopsis. Before I go any further I have to say that I do feel it needs a good polishing, I'm assuming that you will be doing that at a later date.(personally I have a tendency to do that last) There are a few typos but those are easily fixed. But it's definately worth continuing with. Firstly, when we meet the characters we only really met one of them properly - age etc. The others jump straight into dialouge without being introduced in the script. Now we move onto the dialogue. I find the exchanges very believable, some people may disaagree but my husband and his mates regularly have conversations like that, in fact the Lady gaga one was hot topic a few weeks ago. It did get a bit repeatative though towards the end of p3 - 4. Cut it down and it would be a snappy, grab your attention and hold it opening. "alex and louise talk to .... who alex has casual sex with" - not needed. Let us learn that from their interactions later on in the script. p5 - Some sentences are a bit long, its good dialouge but seems cluttered when it isn't, simply because of the punctiations etc. Stuff like that can be polished later but something to bear in mind. Love the Casablanca ref :) Nicely done sir. p13 when on xbox - cut lines after Boom! Generally when the guys are round playing on the xbox they're not very responsive when playing on that thing, to me, the game or anyone else. The scene with Eric, Alex and The Guy is a bit confusing. The scene settled down but I would suggest that you format it a bit differently so it's easier to read. I like the scene between Cindy and Alex. Maybe allow more time to elapse between leaving and the interview though. Make his character a bit more desperate and then when he gets this interview it is his lifeline. I like Mark's comments about the xbox dying. Comments like that make it familiar and real. I'm not sure they would call at night but that's neither here nor there. It might help to flesh it out if they called a couple of days later though. Allows you time to develope Alex a bit more. Dan runnign in the rain, is that a flashback? If so just make it a bit clearer. When you are introducing the chacaters at the company, show us a couple more. Maybe three guys and a woman. Overall, it's a good solid start and with a little work it could be a fantastic piece of work. I'm not the worlds best formatter, I benefit from the others pointing them out to me and learn from them. So I'd suggest reading some more just to get a sense of how it should look (flashbacks, overlapping scenes etc) I like the charcaters, but I want to know a bit more about them. Tell me more about Alex. How does he really feel about having a girl friend? Has he let Mark influence him? Etc. I want to care about him but there just isn't quite enough there yet to warrent my sympathy. Sorry if this is a bit long and drawn out but I've benefited more from honest reviews. I really want to read more and I would be very interested in how the story pans out so please please please post some more soon. :) Good stuff so far hun, I really hope this helps and please let me know when you have some more :) Like I said I'd really like to read on. Cx