I noticed you hadn't had any reviews. It's probably a good idea to get to know people on the site a bit as getting reviews isn't always easy! There are a lot of excellent writers on the site so it can be difficult to get noticed.
Your writing has a very distinctive voice and offers an interesting insight into the cultural and psychological elements of you world. It came across as very unaffected and sincere.
I think in terms of style you are still just starting out, but I hope you manage to retain the uniqueness of your voice as you improve your writing technique.
You've chosen to write this in the first person confessional, which is a very interesting and powerful way to write a narrative because it enables you to speak to the reader almost as if you would a friend. I didn't think you really took advantage ot the power of the confessional form because you focused of the impersonal way you described the world.
Your opening descriptions on clothes and eye colour didn't really set the scene for me. I think perhaps you should do a bit more to let the reader know the location as fiction can be set anywhere in all of space and time, so you have to let people know.
I'm not a great prose writer, so you might be better getting advice from Nutmeg or Happy Hound who are excellent at this kind of thing.
Good luck and keep trying
Click to load more