I loved your basic idea and the characters come across in a succinct, funny and original way.
I personally think a short like this would work better with a unity of time and place that puts the reader in the thick of the action - perhaps the jailhouse conversation in full. As a style this anecdotal, almost conversational construct you have used doesn't grab me by the jugular.
Overall, I think the strong characters and fun story outweigh the limitations of the chosen structure.
Always a pleasure to read your stuff as you have a witty world view. I still remember your obeservations on the Scottish from the Periene.
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