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Ritual

by Holly

Logline

Follow the questions, we know the answers.

Type: short story

Genre: Surreal,Mystical

Synopsis

There are many hidden things here. Mysteries of who and how and why. The ghosts that nobody sees with their eyes, and the lights that no one understands. In the blue of the mire in the dark of the night the mysteries come undone.

This is my first project uploaded here. Any comments would be very much appreciated.

 

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    • oryx25

    • 2012-03-11 21:08:41
    • Deceptively and deceptively in the first paragraph You've got reeds and tangled plants then he is walking on flat grass, contradiction? So as it won't let go, or so that it won't let go? Followed by "but enough" maybe should be but long enough. So as the moon's light could just be so the moon's light... It bothers me slightly that he water becomes deeper under the trees, that doesn't seem logical to me but I understand that you are writing about your own locale so you may be describing a real place. If I am wrong I accept that. I know your area well as I grew up around there and can understand that it is steeped in myth and legend; I commend you for bringing that to life in this piece. Thwack of his boots seems a little harsh, and for me breaks the spell a little, but that is a personal observation so feel free to disagree with that one, a softer sound may fit better with the watery environment. The paragraph continuing from "This is the point at the centre of the mire..." seems a little contrived as if you are taking time out from the moment you have set up in order to explain. If you brought him into it, he stands at this point, in the centre of he mire, the centre of all things, from where all rivers are born etc then the focus stays on the moment and draws the reader in. Pink and orange and glow? Think you've got a misplaced "and" there. The last line is also a little clumsy, do you need "a foot"? All this is nit picking, and just my opinion. I'm sure you would have found much of this with a bit of careful editing. I still think it is very good, and conjures up a particular moment both in and out of time and place. Just a technical point, if you want someone to get your message then comment on their profile, I only noticed your comment because I was following you. Keep writing!
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    • Holly

    • 2012-03-11 18:11:42
    • Oh gosh, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. I wrote it quite quickly without a lot of thought, and haven't done any editing since the initial creative burst, so you're probably right in that it may need some tidying up. Which parts in particular where you unsure of? I'm new here and wasn't expecting any comments, so again, thanks!
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    • oryx25

    • 2012-03-11 14:24:48
    • This is a beautiful piece, I enjoyed the flow of it, and although there are a couple of words which don't quite ring true I read your profile before commenting and you now have double my admiration! Well done, I look forward to the next piece.

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