This is obviously a work in progress.
The thing that stuck out to me, the biggest criticism, was the character descriptions. It's all physical, and a lot of it irrelevant. I don't understand how a goatee is relevant to a character unless its a "preened goatee, looks like it's been drawn - has too much time". Just details i.e. that bring characters to light.
Again, dialogue is your strength. The scenes had pace. Momentum was building. Tell me when you do a rewrite, I'd like to read it.
I did want to put this is a comments block below this ( not a review, because obviously it's ten pages of something that needs work). But for some reason that comments block was missing under this project.
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