Busy Day

In some aspects this story has some nice touches and moments that make you go “rrrr”. But a lot is taken away by the format and all the information is everywhere. I would recommend downloading celtx for free and re-writing. In such a short space of time its hard to really feel for the character, so maybe making it a bit longer and aiming for the 5-10 minute mark will being out more emphasis in what your trying to show.