Apollo 30 Pages
As the song goes; what a difference a day makes tra la la la la.
This version is far superior to the previous drafts, but that's what this game is all about isn't it? Rewriting, until its acceptable to ones readers. At least you can hope for as much.
I think you've done a great job here. I can see the work you've put into it, only because I know what the last ones were like. If I hadn't, i would have read this one and still enjoyed the easy flow of it and the build-up of tension you have demonstrated on the last few pages.
I think the dialogue is much better. It certainly didn't sound like an English guy writing with American dialect.
The lady in red was a scary ol' bird, as is right and I certainly detected the camaraderie between the two astronauts, as is proper also.
I read recently that the guys were meant to plant a tree on that voyage. They went armed with watering can, compost and its own little plastic cover. It was supposed to be an experiment to see if a tree would grow, but in their excitement they forgot to plant it.
I was thinking about your story and wondered how it would sound if you included that little snippet. Then, as they flee the planet, the camera angles in on the watering can, etc discarded on the moon-dust floor.
Just a thought.
Anyway, well done Liam for putting this together as a final ensemble. It takes a lot of patience to endure constant editing.
please log on to leave a comment!