SEED

Hi there, so here is my review of what you have posted. Please don’t take this to heart, it is in fact only my opinion. First off, I love scifi… so am looking forward to reading this after the synopsis. Although I do think that could do with some work. It doesn’t tell us anything about your series, just what it compares to. I’d like more detail in that. Maybe even some detail about the characters we’ll be following throughout. Anyway. Page one. I sort of like the black screen opening, but no need for you to focus in the special effects, even the sounds. This is distracting to me the reader, especially as a lot of it is capped. Okay, so when we first see Nathan, your version of ‘handsome’ and mine might be very different. I don’t think you need this in at all. You say ‘shit scared’ and ‘frozen in fear’ these are all tells, I’d actually like to see what ‘shit scared’ is…. Is he puffing and panting, red faced, holding his breath? Stifling a scream? Anything to help us with the visual… The same goes for ‘panicked public in the b/g’ what exactly do you want me to visualise here? People just running around screaming? Are they burning building, rioting in shops, stealing anything and everything in sight? You need some specifics in here, as you are too vague. Avoid ‘begins’ just have him do it. Location unclear is again also unclear… I want to know where we are, what time we are. Seeing as you don’t state anything, I would presume we are in the present. So why don’t you say where in the country we are. London? Liverpool? Glasgow? This would help me and help set the first scene up. ‘prompts Nathan out of his bubble’ I had no idea he was in a bubble… you mean back to reality? Too much of your words are in caps. Unless the children and drivers etc speak, no need to cap them at all. Just makes your page look cluttered. Same goes for everything else you cap. Directional cues, sounds. I’m not sure why you do it Page 2, It is getting a little more interesting, are Nathan and Sarah a couple? Carly their daughter? Awful place to be and for the kid to be lost… ? Looks and looking… too similar, switch one for something else. You are also over using !! !! I know they are stressed so are we, but too many of these also clutters the page. The actors will know how to stress what they are saying. Again, ‘Sarah begins to’ just say… Sarah blends in with the crowd… If Nathan can just see Sarah, have something of hers really stand out… a red hat or scarf, anything. Then you don’t have to say he can’t see her, just show us a crowd and describe a vision with no hat/scarf. And to the end of teaser… So the bomb blows. Nathan has lost Sarah and we never saw Carly. Pretty dire. As for a teaser, I am left wondering. But I am also left unsure it works. You see they were all panicking before we heard about the bomb, Nathan is in bullet proof gear, but isn’t in touch with any other cops etc? Who is he, what is he? In other words I’m just confused. You don’t really need to include ‘title’ let the director and editors decide all of that. After all they might see it totally different to you. Page 3 Why introduce ‘Man’ and then tell us this is Elliot, why not just do it right off the bat? (into phone) and (over phone filtered) not so sure you need these… along with (con’t) looks cluttered. Page 4 Elliot looking in the mirror… kinda gives us a hint at character. This is about the first thing that does. Why state that the bombs are frightening to look at, choose the words you describe the scene with, don’t tell me how to feel. Let me make up my own mind. Page 5, Elliot and the gleaming like a child on Christmas day… cliché they’re not toys either now are they. Sorry I don’t think you should say that at all. Finally we learn a bit more about Nathan as well. I’m not sure it is enough though for me to be totally interested in his well being though. Also don’t tell us DCI Craig is cheeky boy of the class…. Show me, in his character his swagger, anything. Overall. I liked the premise, I sort of liked the start. Was it ten years in the past, four days… present. Are we then thrown into the future after the bomb? Nathan now seems to have forgotten Sarah? I’m mostly confused to be honest. What is a Drainer? Or a seed gun? I need more here. I think a slower start, a better introduction to some key characters would do you some good. Would I read more, probably. But it hasn’t totally got me yet. If it were a pilot, I might be tempted to turn over. But, maybe not. If you ever want to post more let me know. I’d give you a full read through and a better crit. I’ve gone pretty heavy with you here from your 5 pages, because that is all you posted. Also if this really is a first draft, well done, some more polishing and it could be awesome. If it really isn’t a first draft, then get rid of that from the front page. Need anything more, just shout me. Good luck…. And happy writing. Dawn