Don’t panic, I’m not stalking you. Just that I liked one of your other stories, and I appreciated your reaction to my criticism of that. Not that there was much to criticise then or now. But, again, a few minor points for someone who says they want to improve. I’m not going to offer any pointers about your actual story telling because I don’t think you need them, so this is only technical stuff.
Possessive apostrophe: You say “my husband’s friend” so you know the apostrophe needs to be there. But you say “my husbands ranting”, “our sons Christmas” and “my sons ball” without the apostrophe. Just something to be aware of.
Another thing is the omission of a comma before the name or title of a person being addressed. For example: don’t be silly (comma) honey. Is that not right (comma) son? Sure, we understand it without the comma, but try this without the comma: Please call me darling. Which is not saying the same thing as: Please call me, darling.
“there he was, still stood” – still standing. A difficult one to explain, but think of the verb stood in the tense of: he stood up. Which is something he does there and then. Whereas, if looking back, he isn’t doing that now but he is in that standing position. Sorry, I’m not a teacher, so I’m aware that I’m not explaining that well. It’s just that I so hate the current tendency to say was sat/stood when it should really be was sitting/standing.
“god forbid” – God needs a capital G in that context because He is being referred to. Although I think it’s probably okay to say “oh my god” with a lower case g because it’s just an expression like: oh shit! or: oh my gosh! But don’t trust me on that one.
All of which are minor issues that can easily be sorted. What does matter here is the fact that, as a writer, you have an obvious talent for story telling. You say you are aiming to develop your style and to improve your ability. For what my opinion is worth, your style is already there and you have that essential ability to tell a story, which is why I feel it’s worth a bit of attention to tighten it up technically.
In summary, I really like the story and your voice. My favourite line is probably “He looked at me as if I’d just farted.” And the punchline is brilliant.
Thanks again Nutmeg, though I think this time the feedback is longer than the actual story itself! Every word of which is duly appreciated of course. ;o)
You're totally right about the tightening up technically but those bloody commas & grammatical issues are just so bloody confusing sometimes...
Again, I've taken everything you've said on board and hopefully utilise it for my future projects, cheers again!