Blackout Draft Two
I am so glad you are continuing this, and have done so already. It really is a fascinating read and I really can't wait until all the pieces fit together. I like that you have shortened the dream scene at the beginning, sounds much better now, and that you have grouped it together. I also like that you punctuate your story with them. I am glad you carried this on as a theme.
Here are a few(hopefully) helpful tips, just typos or things I spotted:
you put "one of the sides of the Square" you put a capital S on sqaure. pg 2 1st mention of the square, no capital, then capitals after. Decide if it is 'a place' as such.
Next line: "I'd been keeping a note on the different codes..." I would put of, but that is just my opinion.
Perhaps you could say: Row after row of teenagers..
Perhaps: "I push the spade in to the dry dirt" you could add again to the second time you say it...to emphasise the repitition. Always the same, always. cut the second always, better emphasis and it would flow better with the style of writing you have.
Great tension, I love that you punctuate a few paragraphs with the same thought 'where is he etc?' building tension and making the reader ask, who?
pg 3 The square is filled with completely silent, nobody breathes. Needes to be "The Square is filled with complete silence." or "the square is completely silent."
pg 3""How long?" I take my time..". move it to join after the word properly on the line above.As it is still Alice speaking.
pg4...he point to my ear, add an s.
So no major changes. I genuinely enjoyed reading this and I look forward to the next instalment.
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