Because Today We're Remembering Grass
Sorry. Read 'Tracks' last night but was only able to write something now. Here's the review based on 'Tracks', which I hope is useful still.
I like this concept of a bereaved father holding on to his son’s possessions, then when something is taken, pursuing the perpetrator. You have little dialogue, which works well, but I feel that you should split up some of the actions, so that separate actions are given their own lines. This makes it easier to read, and thus makes the reading of it more effective.
I’m not sure whether the piece works entirely with the two tragedies. I was left with an empty feeling, not really experiencing what I feel the piece should be able to make me experience. It could be that in the chase they both end up in the road, with the man confronting the boy, but when he sees the car he pushes the boy away –thus saving him. The man is… injured/dead, I’m not sure. He’s realised, nearly too late, that his need to preserve inanimate objects relating to his son have nearly cost him or another’s life.
When you first introduce your characters you should capitalise their names. You’ve not given the man and boy names, but you should still capitalise.
Page 1 – “He takes a minute.”
Perhaps – “He waits a moment before answering.”
Page 2 – “Phone the number.”
I wasn’t sure what you intended here.
Just some typing/grammar observations which you might find helpful when reworking.
You wrote: “He listens, grimacing to a upset female voice.”
Consider: “He listens, grimacing at the sound of an upset female voice.”
“He listens, grimacing at the upset female voice he hears.”
On page 4 you write –
“He is left holding the jumper loose by the hood.” This should be ‘loosely’.
On page 4 you write -
I think you should write -
STREET – LATER
I believe this is the convention when you have not moved away from a scene but time has passed.
please log on to leave a comment!