Because Today We're Remembering Grass
Unlike some of your other reviewers, I thought this story was constructed quite well, fairly straightforward and didn't need fleshing out any further. Voiceover indicates child in trouble, grieving father alone with memories reveals tragic outcome, cherished possession stolen, chase, grim irony of another child's death.
Forgive me but I did think there were some problems you need to address. You establish that the hoody has a mobile phone but the police seem unable to contact his relatives? (unless I've missed something?) Would a grieving father surrender his precious son's ipod, even in light of further tragedy? I wouldn't - I'm a father and I would still cling on to my son's possession. Is the ending perhaps a little melodramatic? Pool of blood as music swells? What about showing the father's expressionless face? (for instance, leave the horror in the viewers mind, perhaps?) Perhaps hoody's mother is on her way and he realises he must face her grief as well as his own?
The other problem is with some of your description - "It is a child's bedroom. It is clean and tidy" What's wrong with It is a child's bedroom, clean and tidy? "Noises of London blare" sounds clunky "A large sash window next to the bed has the curtains drawn, showing a suburban london street" What about: A large sash window overlooks a suburban street. Unless we can see a London landmark does it matter where it is? Also, how do a man's eyes "shakily move down to take in the scene? I only mention this because with so little dialogue, your descriptive passages must flow and grip us and they don't always do this at the moment. If in doubt, keep it simple.
Sorry to go on - you may disagree with all this! But the structure is pretty solid so don't be tempted to go wildly off course - just get it to flow better and you'll have a poignant and gripping drama.
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