The Little Salvationist
by pentdad
Logline
Imagine if Charlie Kaufman and David Lynch co-wrote an episode of Casualty
Type: Feature
Genre: Surreal, Drama, Health / Medical,
Synopsis
A young Man, all alone in the world after the death of his Mother, takes a menial job at a cancer hospital. He develops a paternal friendship with a young girl, reads Conrad's 'Heart of Darkness' to the enthralled children's ward, falls in love with one of the nurses, and rebels against the greedy media terminal company who have employed him. Dead patients are sent to a grinder, a 7-foot white porcelain-masked Doctor prowls around for those on deaths door, the dead stalk the wards- this is a realistic story set in a dreamlike universe. Some of you will love it, most of you will hate it, but nearly all will want to witness the ending.
Conversations
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Dawn Chapman
- 2011-09-01 21:17:36
- For an example of how to cut down action descriptions. First action line. You write… A serene view of an empty motorway in the early hours, the road lights meandering into the distance. An empty motorway….. would suffice. You then go into a V. O which I would remove totally. Hit us with the accident on the first page, not the second. A LORRY DRIVER, 50 and overweight devours a burger at the wheel. Ketchup splatters all over his shirt. A 1990’s mondeo appears behing the lorry, with DAD and TWO PRE-TEEN GIRLS in the back seat. A car weaves in and out of traffic behind the mondeo, A SKINHEAD MALE bobs his head to lour music as he lights a cigarette. This is the sort of description you need, and you can then weave the accident into the first page, but it needs to be on the first page, if not the first 30 seconds. hope this helps. Oh and if you email me, I’ll point you in the direction of some software (free) Dawn
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Dawn Chapman
- 2011-07-23 20:16:52
- Page 4, Love the description of the mum.... but the rest of it needs a heavy cut... far too much description. I think I'll leave you a proper review, might be better :)
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Dawn Chapman
- 2011-07-23 20:10:22
- Hi there, from initial looks of the first page, I commend you for writing a script. Takes a lot of heart and soul. Now comes the hard bit, re-writing. I would suggest and you'll hate me for it, in losing that first page. V.O can work if kept through the script in proper proportions, but most don't. You said on your profile you wrote a novel, but didn't like the 'flowery prose' yet some has crept through to the script. Lose all, 'we see, we here. On this, on that' its direction and you can do that with choosing your words carefully, but not stating it. As a reader I still want to be immersed in the story, not in what angle to focus on.... Will be back soon. I like the ideas that you have in here. But in my opinion it needs a tad bit of work. You have your first two pages, two minutes of screen time, and not too much happens. Speak soon, Dawn
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Dawn Chapman