The Little Salvationist
For an example of how to cut down action descriptions.
First action line.
A serene view of an empty motorway in the early hours, the road lights meandering into the distance.
An empty motorway….. would suffice.
You then go into a V. O which I would remove totally. Hit us with the accident on the first page, not the second.
A LORRY DRIVER, 50 and overweight devours a burger at the wheel. Ketchup splatters all over his shirt.
A 1990’s Mondeo appears behind the lorry, with DAD and TWO PRE-TEEN GIRLS in the back seat.
A car weaves in and out of traffic behind the Mondeo, A SKINHEAD MALE bobs his head to loud music as he lights a cigarette.
This is the sort of description you need, and you can then weave the accident into the first page, but it needs to be on the first page, if not the first 30 seconds.
? hope this helps.
Oh and if you email me, I’ll point you in the direction of some software (free)
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