The logline is quite effective in establishing a clear conceptual place with large scale forces and high stakes. However, the use of H G Wells' Time Machine creature names (morlocks and eloi) seems ill placed. The concept as presented seems have no connection to Wells' work and the direct appropriation is a distraction from its otherwise intriguing ideas.
Feedback from the Immersive Writing Lab Competition organisers.
This is a short extract of the full feedback paper. To obtain a copy of the full feedback coverage the author should email julian(at)portalentertainment.co.uk and the complete document will be forwarded to you offline.