14 (Fortean) Episode 2 The Lambton Worm

The screenplay was written pretty well, a couple of formatting issues here and there along with several grammatical/spelling mistakes but nothing that detracts from the overall piece.

Scene/location descriptions were very good and the corresponding describing actions just as good.

The main characters of  Samuel and Angie weren’t too bad but did come across as somewhat droll at times, having said that you did portray their tentative relationship really well.

When there was action the dialogue was good and kept things moving along nicely but there were a number of interludes where the dialogue just slowed it down too much.

I noticed, several times in fact, that you don't bother to introduce characters, I’d like to see at least the briefest of pen picture of each new character, just for my minds eye.

The opening scene was a fair enough ‘grabber’ but the next ten pages involving the ‘three stooges’ seemed to drag it out almost to the point that I nearly lost interest.

The storytelling of the Lambton worm was heavy going and could do with a quick draw for breath somewhere.

There were some cultural inaccuracies with the Lambton Worm story too. The Lambton Worm is most definitely not a ‘Geordie’ Folktale.

The two mentions of the headlines from the Sunderland Echo don’t match.

‘Shadow Woman’ seemed a really bizarre character, couldn’t get away with her.

Not so sure trains make ‘ a head of steam’ these days.

The flashback of his girlfriend leaving seemed lost in it all somewhere.

Barman talks of the ‘Town’ being hit hard but you describe Penshaw as a village.

A few typos:

Go back in ‘their’ typo

‘Greave’ typo

Close ‘nit’ typo

Samuel does ‘to’ typo

‘squadies’ typo

‘maned’ typo

Pictures were deleted from Facebook/Twitter, what about the copy on her phone?

Not sure you’ll find a shipyard on the River Wear.

The legend of the Lambton Worm recalls how it is just adaft to moving across land as it is in water to trying to entrap it between to collapsed bridges didn't make much sense.

I wouldn’t call blowing up two major road bridges a covert operation.

And what was the Paul Burns thing all about, one minute he was having a meal, next he’s found dead in the River Wear, what was the connection.

I know stories like these are supposed to stretch the imagination but somehow I just didn’t feel this story did the exciting logline justice.

Lastly, I’m sure if you went into the Grey Horse in Penshaw Village and asked the barman if the Lambton Worm had anything to do with the death of the boy and Paul Burns then men in white coats would be taking you for a ride, not men in black sedans.

Good luck with it...