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It Hurts When I Do This

Logline

Tim falls in love with his Doctor and comes up with a desperate plan to get to know her.

Type: Short

Synopsis

Short and hopefully funny film script about a loser who falls in love with his Doctor. I would love to get some feedback, especially on the ending. EDIT (13th August) Thanks to the fantastic feedback I have received on this site I have made a small change to the ending, tidied up some of the dialogue and I think it holds together better. Although I may have overdone it on the Fiat Punto jokes! :D EDIT (18th August) After more great feedback, I've changed the ending again! It's darker (which I'm not sure I like) but previous endings seemed to whimper out, so at least this one might be more memorable. So thank you everyone!

Conversations

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- jayrex
- 2012-08-18 16:53:08
- Tried to review this script, but it's not working, so I'll leave it here: Not bad overall... I think I've read a similar story to this one a long time ago. Nonetheless, it was a fun read. What kinda bothers me is that Louise is smart, she's a doctor, so she would have known that Tim was a hypochondria or someone that had Münchausen syndrome. So that being said, Tim admitting he was pretending shouldn't have come as a surprise. If you eliminate the 'is' words from the action, you'll speed up the read. All the best, Javier
- shoepie
- 2011-09-15 22:18:22
- Thank you Xrayspex, superstar and nathan! Nice to read those comments, especially as today is my birthday!
- xrayspex
- 2011-09-15 14:17:01
- This is the best short I've read on this site so far - beautifully crafted with gentle humour throughout - the prostrate part was hilarious! I think you've got a good chance of winning the comp :D
- nathan21
- 2011-09-02 00:28:58
- Apart from the odd capital letter thrown in places, "Pints" "Sixth", this is a well written, highly enjoyable and funny script. Tim is a great character. The dialogue is great especially the banter between Tim and Dave. The awkwardness of the scenario is handled well.
- mrsuperstar101
- 2011-09-01 20:38:27
- Nice! Loving Tim as a character, and I liked the 'solitary measle' lol :)