Future Roy (Short)
Most scripts start with FADE IN. Left.
I have to say this now because there are far too many ‘camera angles and pov’ in here, are you filming this yourself?
If you are don’t worry about it. But if your not then you really could do with losing them. In my opinion they totally distract from getting into the story and after all not your decision when and where certain things are focussed on if someone else is shooting it. It will be up to them.
I don’t mind V.O too much as long as they are done well. Some scripts (American Beauty) are handled amazing, others are just well not done so well. They are full of ‘telling’ I’m not sure which yours is just yet.
Again same as the camera directions, no need to use ‘cut to, fade to,’ any transitions. Really the fact that, that scene ends and we move to another indicates the transition. Just takes up space on the page that you can’t account for in your allotted one minute per page.
Typo ‘paid a visit TO my grandmother’
The dialogue between Jo and Roy is good.
Why the ‘time cuts’? What are they? Again distracting.
I like the phone call idea, very unique ?
I don’t understand why you want the jittey image created by the ‘hip camera’ why not just have two camera men with Jo, that way everything would be seen. And no need for all the (os) besides you also call them a camera crew on P8.
Tip… remove any ‘is’ because they usally lead to a ‘is readING’ and just ‘reads’ would be better.
Typo ‘ S…even months’
Typo ‘on the advice from Clive changed HIS mind’
The government will help him with his living expenses lol, I like this.
Now I wasn’t expecting that, well done. I really thought he was speaking to himself ?
To the end….
Overall I kinda liked this. It was a neat premise and idea. What I wasn’t so sure about was the actual presentation of how the film would turn out. I think it could have been given a lot more, and feel a lot more.
Would it make a good short. At fifteen pages, I’m unsure. I think it could be a bit long for the actual concept. Although most of it is dialogue and some of it repetitive. Maybe it could be shortened somehow.
Either way, I do believe this is pretty good. I would certainly think about hitting some short comps with it. You never know do you. Or there is Inktip where you can advertise your short film scripts for free.
Which ever you decide to do, happy writing and good luck.
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